How loved ones can survive a 'dementia meltdown'

While her mom, Lydia, was living in a local memory care center, Christine would keep a weekly appointment to style Lydia’s hair. When Christine hit a snarl while brushing Lydia’s hair, her mom exploded in rage. She demanded Christine leave ... or else. Christine was shocked and devastated; after the incident, Christine was unsure if she should return for weekly appointments with her mother.

What Christine experienced is common with moderate dementia. “It’s called catastrophic reaction,” said Paula Spencer Scott, senior editor at caring.com. “It’s an emotional outburst born of fear, stress, or other suddenly overwhelming emotions.” As unnerving as it is to have someone you’ve known your whole life say horrible things, it’s important to remember those words aren’t coming from their heart. Instead, it’s the disease taking control. So before you decide to turn your back on the person who matters most in your life, here are three survival tips when you stand in the path of your loved one’s emotional smackdown.

Don’t take it personally

Many people whose loved ones are suffering from dementia talk of changes in personality and behaviors. For example, a once-timid homemaker begins to swear like a sailor when provoked or a father who spent years counseling others now is convinced his wife is cheating on him. The person you love is still in there, and the genuine feelings he or she holds for you are still strong.

Don’t try to reason with your loved one

It is pointless to try enforcing logic on someone who is being irrational. The same is true with dementia patients. “Dementia can distort the way a person interprets reality,” said Esther Heerema, MSW. “Don’t criticize or argue with a person who has dementia.” Heerema says to be respectful, not patronizing, to your loved one’s reaction, and allow them time to calm down.

Don’t be afraid to walk away

When it seems the situation won’t resolve itself, it’s time to walk away. Experts say that if your loved one isn’t in danger to himself or others, it’s best to create some distance and allow him to calm down without intrusion.

“Start over again without mentioning the incident. Remember to stay calm and to announce your intentions in a reassuring way,” said Scott. However, if these outbursts happen frequently, it is important to mention the outburst to your loved one’s doctor. “We want to be sure the families of our residents approach us with concerns about changes in their loved one’s behavior. Sometimes, this information requires adjusting medication or routine,” said Kendra Malone, director of Post Acute Care Ensign Services San Diego. “Rarely does this behavior mean loved ones have changed their feelings toward their family.”

Living with dementia creates an emotional experience for everyone. When those experiences are hurtful, recognizing the symptoms of dementia can reinforce your role as support at a time when they need you the most.

SOURCE: Orange County Register, Amy Osmond Cook